Many years ago, my brother, Brion, and I were on the phone when, out of nowhere, he decided my new name was PAM! (always said with great emphasis!), which he referred to as my "non-birth name."
There was no great reasoning behind it, no backstory or logic. That was just Brion, playful, unexpected, and always keeping people on their toes. He thrived on randomness and on making people laugh, while perhaps confusing them all at once. And since I idolized him, I never questioned it.
Shortly after, I decided he needed one too, and thus, the Billy and PAM! duo was born.
My Story
After his passing, and when faced with needing to go back to work, I found myself coming back to that moment. Now, anything I considered from my past careers just seemed, quite frankly, meaningless and unbearable.
So one day, I took two big sheets of paper, taped them to my wall and on one, wrote down business name ideas and on the other, my values. Over several weeks I added to both with PAM! being the first business name idea. But what could that even be? It was really just something between us..
Billy and I would often dream up big ideas together.
He being the rebel, would always encourage me to take risks and be more fearless in all aspects of my life. Where as I, the more reserved and long-time witness to the fallouts of his rebellion, often joked that I learned what not to do from him.
Though I always wished I could be more fearless like him, it wasn’t until very recently that I found the courage.
In August of 2022, my brother was diagnosed with glioblastoma (brain cancer). This battle would prove to be his greatest achievement in embracing fear.
Over the course of sixteen months, he underwent 2 brain surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. And not once, throughout the entire time did he ever complain, show fear or speak negatively about the diagnosis.
Even after suffering a stroke that left him wheelchair-bound, he only ever spoke words of positivity and humor.
On December 3, 2023, my beautiful, big brother lost his battle with cancer.
PAM! the non-birth name came first, its meaning, purpose and significance came later. But I like to think that all along, Billy was setting me on my path to living my life, more fully and fearlessly.
Thank you to my community and to everyone reading this, for supporting my dreams.
I dedicate PAM! to my brother, Billy. My first best friend, my forever muse and the originator of my childhood nickname, PAM! He would have absolutely loved this :)
P.S. For those curious, my given name is Courtney. But I go by PAM! these days. I've found it just makes my heart happy every time I hear it. So please feel free to call me PAM!, and of course, with emphasis! :)
LIVING FULLY AND FEARLESSLY
PEOPLE!ART!MUSIC! IS BORN
We shared a love for music, for creativity, and for making new friends.
Whether it’s creating art that celebrates San Francisco's history & culture, designing programs that support artists and musicians, or curating experiences that bring neighborhoods together, PAM! is a culmination of all the things I love to do and it is my way of honoring Billy while giving back to a city that have given so much to me.
FOR MY CITY & FOR BILLY
I asked him what he was thinking and if he was scared going into surgery. He responded,
“I wasn’t scared, I felt at peace with my life and had no regrets. But then I thought of you, and if you were in the same position, the regret you might feel for not living your life more fearlessly, and for not following your dreams...”
So I continued with my values and overtime, began to see themes of artistry and community until one day it clicked - People!Art!Music! (PAM!)
My immediate next thoughts were: 1. These are the only things keeping me together and I need to protect them 2. Is the URL available?
Indeed it was and on May 1st, 2024, People!Art!Music! (PAM!) was (re)born.
There are so many significant moments in those months prior to his passing that I carry with me today, but one in particular was our conversation after his first surgery.